Beating My Wife and Hitting Immigrants

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Beat her, that is what my future wife will have to let me do Back when I was first getting to know my first disciple, David, I realized how hard it is to really get to know somone. Moreover, how hard it is to trust someone with not only your aquainteceship, but moreso with your friendship. Recently this reality of the separation between the souls of men became abundantly clear to me. Those of you who know me know that it has been a recent conviction of mine that I should be a F.B.I. profiler. I would affirm that it seems to be most random, but I'm writing this that it would give creadance to a point I must make. When people around me hurt, I hurt. Otherwise, I'm usually pretty well off. I've had a tendancy to find the idea of being a defender rather romantic. My middle name goes so far as to mean, 'Determined Gaurdian'. So I was sitting at Starbucks the other day. This girl came in. Her phone rang. She hung up on it. This proceeded to happen a few times in a row. A while later she was standing outside. The sky was pouring down rain. It was recently passed dusk. When I walked outside to check the windows on the truck, I noticed her sitting on the ground crying. Text Messaging, but crying. Also, she was still hanging up her phone when it would ring. I went back inside and was struck. I couldn't read what I had to read. I couldn't write. For some reason, this thing was a concern to me. Most likely her boyfriend cheated. He's trying to apologize. She trying not to let him. All very well and good. For some reason, this thing was a burden in my heart. So after many minutes of deep thought, the heart in my chest could be felt pulling my body her way. So I arose and walked over to the door. She was still crying and she was texting. I couldn't bother her so I went back to my seat. A few minutes later this was done again. Then again. So after a while I broke through that annoying little wall inside that keeps the self safe from offering help to someone who may actually need it. I stepped outside. She was very distraught. So I asked, "Are you okay? Do you need help with anything?" She wiped away the tears and looked up at me. She could barely talk. She said, "No, I'll be okay." My reply, "Okay. I'll be inside if you need anything at all." She looked back down to her phone and I went inside. A minute or two later she walked by, the tears apparently been assuaged. I pondered two things after the incident. Why in the world would I have been so burdened to try and help someone who ended up not taking it? Also, why in the world is it so hard to get into another's world? The first reason is between God and I. The second is because relationships (Love, Friendship, Brotherhood) are so important. They reach down into the core of our design. In a fallen world, there is no wonder people end up being so reclusive, despite even the 'friendliest' of dispositions. People always keep back a part for those who are most trusted. It logical thought it's sad when someone needs help. One of the most frustrating things in the world is to have an answer you know how to describe, yet are unable to because of the gap between people. Damn fall. So in my hope for a wife, my desire for someone who truly loves me and is worthy of my true heart arrived at the subject line of this blog. When David and I began taking Ju-jitsu classes together we bonded how we would not have otherwise. When you take the perogative of your life and death and place it in another's hand, you learn to trust them when they do not take advantage. When David had his forearm dug into my neck then stopped when I tapped out, I learned he was willing to take head to my safety, which could translate into all the deepest parts of a man. My future wife must be willing to go for my throat. If I cannot trust her to say and do what is best to challenge me and encourage me to become the best man I could be, I cannot trust her with my true heart. If she is more worried about not having a disruption in the surface of her/our life, then how is she to be trusted when the time comes when my life may depend on it? If we cannot trade blows, challenging each other to become more than the sum of the two of us, then there would be no reason to be in the relationship. If my feelings of "everything's okay", my security, and "oh, I'm loved!" are the crux of my reasons for being with someone, then it is nothing more than a selfish endeavor. On the opposite side of this coin, if she doesn't trust me enough to let me go at her throat, then there's no reason she should trust me unto matrimony. This, by no means, that we ought not be always kind. Contrarily, when one is this open kindness and true care can begin. When we live on the surface of life toes get stepped on far more often, but it doesn't reach down inside. It stays on the surface. And it is through that surface that we begin to see that person. Ergo, the more we see of a person's real self the more dangerous it becomes. Concordantly, the more we know of a person's real self the more safe they may possibly be with us. So my request is simple. If you think we may be meant to be together throw those fists this way. ________________________ Tuesday, April 08, 2008 Never Stop Hitting Immigrants! So I’ve felt bound in a million different ways. As a baby I was bound to desire. Every whim of hunger, full bladder, or need for attention consumed my conscious mind like a raging fire. At times when I wasn’t bound to desire my mind worked at dizzying paces: taking in the world around me, processing who I was, who those around me where, what felt good, and what felt bad. Everytime those needs arise, I was bound to follow them. It was all I knew. As a young man I lived with survival in mind. That was it. I knew I needed my parents to provide. If I wanted to eat, I had to listen to them. If I wanted stuff, I had to ask. I knew I needed love. I reached out in any way I thought would give me the love I wanted. (It is at this juncture that I thank God for making me less than attractive, and of a personality not given to being attractive to the opposite sex. It saved me from certain whoredom at the time.). As a young Christian, and a natural extension of the previous steps, I found my completion in the church. I found my pride in knowing what they taught. I found my working purpose in perpetuating that teaching. Still I was bound by these desires. I was not free, though I was the closest I’d ever been. In maturity one can either allow dellusion to set in, or he can see the desire that created the dellusion as an attempt of the soul to create the world, self, and God as it would seem logical to those deep down desires. There comes a point when one can either accept the lie or allow God, the only one Holy enough to separate the illusion from reality. So there I was, this last friday, at Tony’s Sushi half celebrating my birthday. I had the worst week in the world. I’ve known for a month now that I’m leaving behind all those who I’ve come to know as family. Read the last blog on here and you’ll see I’m leaving behind the woman I’m certain I’d marry if she would have had me. I’m leaving behind children I’ve seen born and then watched grow to be taught in my sunday school classes. I’m leaving people I watched meet then marry. I’m leaving all that comforts my desire (save one or two.) I am leaving because it is an eventuality that God has brought to my life. I get out of my car when Mel and her husband Rob(bie) arrive. As we walked in to the sushi house, the sickness that had plagued me for hours begins to melt away. I am still clueless as to why. As we sat down, I relaxed. It’s odd, but with these two people I feel completely free to be myself in my own entirety. So I began to be. As our waitress approached I was stricken. I was struck by her beauty and the grace of her movement. Those accompanying me noticed I was taking a liking to her. So they, for lack of a better term, encouraged me. I began by asking her name. Suzannah was her reply. Her chinese accent was obvious. Humor ensued. After asking where various utensils came from, most of which were Alabama or Japan, we went on to discuss her time in the U.S. She’s been here for five years. After a while, and a little sake, I offered for her to move to Pa with me. She then promptly asked me to move to China with her. After leaving Tony’s, and leaving my phone number in her hand, I came to feel something. The realization of freedom. I’d never felt free to flirt. I’d never felt free to give my number to a girl purly for the same of saying, "you’re cute and really neat. It’d be sad if we never talked again." I’ve been so surrounded by my fellow, and very loved, baptists, that image was always of the utmost importance. It was okay, in this setting with these people, to be attracted to a girl and to let her know it. I was free to moderatly enjoy a little sake without fear of being looked at strangly. This was the greatest feeling in the world. I’m losing everything that appeals to all that I was and am embarking on a journey that will rob me of all of my comforts. This ought not be possible. But God did something. He freed me. It started when I got ’sent back’ from Ukraine. Though it had the appearance of godliness, it was the fulfillment of all that I had ever wanted; stretching back to my infancy. After being back I’d felt abandoned by almost all. Those who would have helped me in my devastated state were ill-equiped to do so. I was more alone than I ever had been. Some time later I tried taking over a bible study led on the local community college previously by a good friend whom I have the utmost respect for. At that also, I was left with but the aid or encouragement of but one or two individuals (one didn’t go to my church, the other had just recently started. Both good men I’ll miss). At that I also felt abandoned by those who had always encouraged me to do the right thing. Though the people, I talk about with apparent negativity, had other things with primacy over their time. They meant it neither for evil nor for good. But God did mean it for good. I’ve spent more time with God in prayer and in time in His word and in conversation, and meditation throughout the day now than I ever had previously. Though there were times when I spent more times studying, it was to please men. As I’ve been reading this incredibly encouraging book by Elis. Elliot, The Path of Lonliness, I’ve come to the realization of what God has been doing. He has been preparing me to meet the challenge that lies ahead. It is a challenge of sacrifice and hardships. Mrs. Elliot encourages one, in her book, to see daily pains as a sacrifice to be made at the alter of God. Living through pain, allowed and even arranged by God, in order to bring greater glory to Him, and a better understanding of what it means to selflessly live. I Peter 1:13-25 Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God; for "All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever." This call of us to be holy, in spite of the temporary nature of life is later followed by this exortation, I Peter 4:12-13 "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." The specific context is persecution. The persecution of the great Martyrs thoughout history was a great display of God’s goodness indeed. To be allowed to suffer on account of God’s righteousness colliding with the wickedness of the world. What a grand thing indeed to be that battlefield! Another application, if the reader would humor me, is in the war between his own flesh and the Spirit working in the spirit in him. What greater gift of self abandonment can we have than to abandon all for the calling of Almighty Abba (not the band)? For me this means leaving my church and my friends and those I now consider family. There was a chapter, in the afore mentioned book, that called acceptance a form of worship. Seeing God and reality as they are and not as any idealism or preferred perspective may dictate. People say all the time, "I like to see it as God doing...". "I like to see it as...". No wonder we cannot have a valid argument against the athiests when they say we are just being deluded! The greatest gift, I offer before the reader now, is to be completely free and completely holy. So hitting on that chinese immigrant was a greater form of service to the freedom and experience of life God has called me to than packing up my life and going to Ukraine was years ago. For in it, my concern wasn’t following the path all of my years of ’maturing’ desire, but the living of a life God has called me to.